Sunday, May 15, 2011


I was truly blessed today. I went to church and I came out of it enlightened. I was able to come up with this truly inspired blog article. Now, I go to church from time to time, my daughter is even in the midst of preparing for her confirmation. So I am no stranger to going. Although, the congregation does seem to be a little surprised when I show up. All these jokes about wanting me to sign the guest book.

Maybe it is all the time I get while my daughter is in her "chat room" with the other kids that I get to reflect in quiet solitude the past weeks events. Maybe, it is a sign from the "big guy" that he reads my blog too. Maybe.

When I wrote last weeks article I forgot to include one thing. Which, might be because I didn't go to church and that is why it didn't come to me. So I am going to lead off with it today.


Now Bluetooth is a rather remarkable invention, it allows us to connect with our computers and cellphones wirelessly. Which, keeps us from getting fines, especially with respect to the latter device while driving. But why is it when you sit in a mall some guys are still wearing theirs? Dudes, Bluetooth is so you can use your phones while in your cars. When you get out of the car leave your headset and take only your phone.

Guys, you look retarded. Chicks will NOT be attracted to it and finally, judging by the looks of the guys that seem to wear their headsets all the time - How many calls do you expect from your mothers?

Zebra Hair

So during the week I had a rather exceptional sneezing fit. Of course it had to happen while driving. I must have sneezed about a dozen times. My hands were covered with phlegm and of course, not a napkin or tissue could be found. Needless to say, those pants went into the laundry, as soon as I got home. I was concerned, so I went to the bathroom and decided to look up my nose to see what was going on in there.

First question: What colour is nose hair suppose to be?

When I took a look I saw both black and white hair. I truly looked like I had snorted a small zebra. Really, I understand the whole going grey thing, but I thought it was isolated to the head (including beard and moustache), not nose hairs and nether regions. I can hardly wait to start using "Just for Men" crotch colourant.

Second question: What is the average length of a nose hair?

These couple of hairs were bugging me. Tickling actually, to a point that I grabbed a pair of tweezers and pulled them out. Holy crap, they were almost 3/4 of an inch long. I don't think that is right. More research is needed.

Flash Point of Baileys

Now I don't want a pile of negative feedback on this. I have been known to, from time to time, to spike my coffee with Baileys, pour it into a travel mug and then enjoy sipping it while receiving the Word of the Lord on Sunday mornings. This morning was no exception, however; when I arrive in my pew and dialed open my cup, the Baileys vapour coming out was almost overpowering. I was so happy there were no ignition sources close by or it may have FLASHED. I guess I need to be a little more awake when I am making my coffee in the morning.

Baileys is my back up to bacon, since I am not quite sure how I would smuggle a pound of cooked bacon into church. So for today and every Sunday. I think we should allow the phrase, "Everything is better with Baileys."

Roommate Agreement, S15 P4 - Unknown Women for the Purpose of Coitus

So - are you interested so far? Are you trying to figure out how I went from church Baileys to unknown women coitus. I am going to tell you.

Last night my son was a little out of the ordinary. He laundered his clothes, showered (I started to think he was ill), brushed his teeth and asked if he could borrow the car. That he would only be out for a few moments. I said, "sure", I think because of all the hygiene that was thrown at me all at once. Well out he goes. A few moments later he returns a "friend" in tow. He paused at the rec room to see how my movie I was watching was (I had the lights off so visibility was poor). His friend said 'hi' and made a comment. I was unfamiliar with the tone. My son's friends are all short, or more round. This one was not matching up to my internal database. It wasn't until they were in his room and the door closed that I registered the pitch to be that of a female.

I was caught in a place that was new to me. The 'two thumbs up' dad moment. Or that of concern that it would turn out to be a mid-operation transgender and I should warn him. You see my son seems to be "blossoming" a bit late. Which is a good thing considering he always has money squirrelled away. Having a girlfriend doesn't usually afford you that luxury.

Any way, I inserted a cat into his room as a spy, in as much to have an excuse to open the door to see them watching TV, the cat you see likes hanging out in his room, so the perfect door opening excuse. I then go up to do my WOW research for my next blog article (which was going to be todays - but now that I am side tracked with this gem I am going to save it for another time).

Fast forward to this morning.

I am sitting waiting for church to start, trying to avoid being detected as having alcohol in my coffee or bursting into flames due to Baileys vapour flash, when my mom asks. "Did Dustin (honestly - not his real name) have to work this morning? I saw him leave really early in the car?" (My parents live in the home next to ours -she is I think the neighbourhood watch committee as well)

"Hmm" (pause for effect) "He didn't take the car to work because I drove it to church this morning." In my head I figured, he had to sneak the girl out early and take her home, come back and drop off the car, and then walk the 5 minutes to work. Thanks mom, you always want the "ace" when it comes to parenting.

The best part of this whole incident was when I got home from church and told my wife (she doesn't usually come with me - she can't hold her liquor). You could see the dawning on her face the phrase, 'what goes around comes around.' She was probably the worst offender when it came to this stuff when she was younger.

"I don't know if I can approve of this!", she exclaims.

'Hypocrite', I think in my head. (That was one of them fancy terms I learned in church today)

I think we both can't wait for my son to come home from work. Have a great afternoon, I know I will.

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