Monday, March 28, 2011

Is That a Gourd in Your Pocket...

Is that a gourd in your pocket, or you just happy to see me?

I was at church on Sunday, we were having a pot-luck lunch. I brought my "Mexican Spaghetti", and maybe if you are good I will share the recipe, when someone I have not seen in ages came over and we started to chat. The typical stuff about the wife, kids, work etc. After he left I realized that it has been almost 17 years since I almost tore off my penis.

Right now you are probably sitting at your computers mouths agape, you may have even sprayed your monitor with coffee or an other beverage depending on the time of day you are reading this. But, I find everytime I come to think of that day, I laugh my ass off. The whole story is actually quite funny. Guess what? I am going to telling to you.

Did you feel the suspense? I just got back from dinner. I have been away for about 2 hours. I am in beautiful Lindsay, Ontario and if you follow my wife's tweets , I am going to be teaching a course in Transportation of Dangerous Goods tomorrow.

One thing about the restaurant I ate at, please teach your wait staff about serving wine. My guy filled my wine glass (I use that term loosely) to within 1mm of the rim of the glass. Even sober I wouldn't be able to swirl and sniff the wine I ordered. Also, in Lindsay, $12 buys you a litre of Australian Shiraz. Yikes, was I wreaked. I also noticed while tipsy, my hotel room has 2 of the exact same painting in my room. One over my couch and one over my bed.

Anyways, back to my penis.

About 18 years ago, I just separated from my first wife, and I was trying to balance my life with my son who was about 3 years old at the time. Since I was teaching Jiu-Jitsu at the YMCA, I had a few privileges. So I decided to take him to an open swim. We splashed around for about an hour, I am sure it was fun. Due to the upcoming events, I can't be sure.

So we finished our swim. We are back in the shower room. I have my son showered off and I am in the midst of showering myself. I washed my hair, pits etc. and decide to take off my swim trunks and wash the "parts". I reached into my Addidas shorts (that's what we wore back then) and grasped the tie string. I pulled it. Not a whimpy pull, but picture how you would pull the cord on an outboard motor. I saw the stars, I felt the pain. I dropped to my knees on the terazzo floor. My little guy had worked his way through the loop of the perfect shorts bow I had tied. OMG (back then it wasn't OMG, it was the full - "Oh My God"). As I lay there, writhing in pain, my son was screaming, "what do I do?" I couldn't think. All I could picture was the cutting of a block of clay with the "wire" from high school art class. I was afraid to look in my shorts.

My son saw the emergency phone, he picked up the receiver and on the other end I could hear who picked it up. You see it was sort of a speaker phone just incase CPR was required. Believe me it was close. I digress. It was Victor, the flaming homosexual (not that there is anything wrong with that.) Again OMG. My son told him what had happened. Victor said he would be right up to "untangle" my manhood. I screamed that it would be unnecessary and that as soon as I stopped crying I would be fine. He tried to insist, I think I threatened his life at that point.

After a while I gathered the courage to look into my shorts. There it was. The loop encircling my part was no wider than a centimetre in diameter. I gulped, "I hope it will still work", I thought to myself. I got both hands in there and backed off the loop and relieved the pressure on the little guy. I managed to stand and stagger, son in tow, to my locker to get dressed. As I left the YMCA that night, Victor offered artifical respiration. Yuck.

I got home and applied some ice hoping the swelling would go down. Next morning I took a look and found the little guy looking like the gourd I have pictured above. The bruising stayed for about 6 weeks. Literally, I was purple from my waist to my knees.

Happily, I can say it still works, because when I got remarried I was able to produce a beautiful baby girl. Who, is growing up quicker than I would have hoped. Your a goof Nathan!

WOW Stuff

You know, other than procrastinating on trying to get my archeology completed on one of my alts, I am really enjoying working on my professions. I am also afraid of actually queuing any of my alts as a healer. With all the articles I have read on WOW Insider regarding the changes in healing, I have not had the balls. Based on my story above, I almost didn't have the bat (LOL) to try.

Well I need to sober up. I hope my future headache isn't too intense when I am trying to teach tomorrow.

Have a good week all.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Virgin No More

I am no longer a virgin, that would be a Bed & Breakfast virgin. That's right, I did it. I stayed at a bed & breakfast Monday night while in Stratford. It was an experience and I still haven't decided if I liked it. It was called the Stone Maiden Inn, I don't think it was named after the lady that owned it. She was kind of nice. The place was sort of creepy with my room on the third floor. It sort of smelled like an old lady. What was weird about my stay was that you needed to take a tour. She showed you the parlour (they have parlours in these places and not family rooms). It had a TV, and a Mac (to check my email). I passed on the Mac, don't understand why they would make a computer that only has a one button mouse. Christ my mouse on my PC has 5 buttons and I don't think its enough. I will get back to my stay at the B&B in a bit, I want to take you around town.

Apparently, they put the town away around 6:00pm. Pretty much everything was closed. My host got me a reservation at a restaurant named - Foster's Inn. I had a wonderful steak dinner with a hearty shiraz.

Back at the B&B, my host suggested that I watch TV in the parlour, but I didn't feel comfortable with that, so I stayed in my room and watched a movie on my computer. I was also a little concerned when I went to the bathroom and looked up and a crow was staring at me through the skylight.

What a horrible sleep, I think it was because my bed was not aligned properly to protect me from mauraders. But the breakfast made up for it. My host made absolutely spectacular pancakes. Blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, chocolate dipped strawberries, grapes and pineapple slices. I also had orange juice and coffee. My host had a newspaper and a couple of bottles of water to go. Very nice.

I guess I had a nice stay.

Monday, March 14, 2011


This self imposed deadline thing sucks. I tweeted late last week that I was going to have an article written and posted for Sunday. That never happened. I, on the other hand, was spent and didn't get my article written. I wrote down some notes since I seemed to be experiencing higher than normal Alzheimer's activity the last few days. But alas, I never had the time to write it. I should say I didn't have the energy to write it, I only had the energy to slaughter crap in Eastern Plaguelands.

Here we go...

Daughter's Trip

It was chaos around the homestead, but when it was all said and done, our daughter was off on her trip to Washington DC. She managed to update her Facebook status with my wife's iTouch we had her take. She said it was "awesome" so far. We will have to see if she has the same sentiment later this week after getting up at 5:00am every day in order to keep to her itinerary.

The most humorous part for me in getting her ready was my comment on Saturday about needing her underwear so we can sew her name in them. The "look" was priceless.

Earthquake in Japan

I am mentally devastated by this earthquake in Japan. My heart truly goes out to these people and their country. What bothers me is that my country is taking the, "wait and see approach". They said they are more than willing to send equipment etc, but they want the Japanese government to ask for it. How about giving them a call and saying, "our stuff is on the way, where do you want it?" Sort of like the Libya thing. Most of our Canadian citizens got out with the help of other countries so when the Canadian plane showed up (about a week or two late) it left empty. They seem to let the windows of opportunity close due to their inability to make decisions.

Have you seen the photos? I sit there slack jawed at the devestation. However; I find myself truly astonished when it comes to their roads. Several of the photos I have seen, have these rural roads being looked at by guys in white lab coats and hard hats. They appear to be measuring the shift in the earth's crust, in some of the photos the road seems to have dropped/risen by 6' in some cases. Amazing. But have you looked closer at the photos? No potholes. Other than the damage done by the earthquake, these roads do not have potholes. The area where the earthquake occured is slightly north of where I live, so similar winter feeze/thaw conditions should be prevalent. Yet their rural roads have no potholes, there are roads in the middle of our town that look like they took the brunt of an artillery barrage.

Toast and Peanut Butter

I found myself making some toast with peanut butter on it a few days ago, instantly I flashed back to when my mom made it for me when I was a kid for breakfast. Interestly, I began to make it the same way she made it for me - make toast, spread peanut butter, sprinkle some sugar on top. That was how she did it. She explained to me that the sugar was used to make the peanut butter gritty enough so that if some got stuck to the roof of my mouth, my tongue would have something to "grab" on to. To avoid cramming a finger into my mouth to scrap it.

Hmmm, I think it was a ploy to make me hyper in order to get me medicated at school. Isn't that the typical modus operandi of schools these days? They see a hyper kid, BAMM!, kid needs medication. Wait, back then there was no such thing as ADD, ADHD, peanut butter allergies; back then teachers did their jobs and parents - if the student did have issues took them home at lunch. These days it's medicate the hyper or punish the rest of the school population if a single student is allergic to PB&J sandwiches.

I blame all these issues on teachers just wanting to collect a pay cheque, parents that don't want to parent, and the perservatives in Twinkie cream.

Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

I hate them, mainly because I hate cheese, but here is the problem - is it "Grilled - Cheese Sandwiches" or is it "Grilled Cheese - Sandwiches". The "-" was placed in the phrase to denote where the pause would be.

Let's review the second phrase first. Grilled Cheese - Sandwiches. It wouldn't work. If you threw a piece of cheese on a grill it would ooze through the rack and onto the charcoal. This brings us to the first way to pronounce it. Grilled - Cheese Sandwiches. To me this makes sense, you are taking a cheese sandwich and grilling it. However; most people "grill" their cheese sandwiches in a frying pan. Therefore; it isn't a Grilled - Cheese Sandwich anymore, it is a Fried - Cheese Sandwich.

Ear Hair

I was watching TV the other day and there seemed to be a high proportion of commercials dedicated to colouring or tinting your hair or putting on mascara to accentuate your eyes. Here's a thought, Ear Hair mascara for guys. Granted it would be accentuating their ears so it might not be a good thing.

Thinking about "mascara" - did it come from the latin "mass-us scaring-is"? Another, makes you go "hmmm" moment.

WOW Stuff

Finally, completed the journey of getting my original 14 - 80's to level 85. Now begins the second part of the journey, the leveling of the worgen and goblin, as well as, the professions. I must say, leveling is pretty easy, I almost got a level on one of my toons just doing the cooking and fishing dailies.

Enjoy the week, spring is coming.