Monday, March 28, 2011

Is That a Gourd in Your Pocket...

Is that a gourd in your pocket, or you just happy to see me?

I was at church on Sunday, we were having a pot-luck lunch. I brought my "Mexican Spaghetti", and maybe if you are good I will share the recipe, when someone I have not seen in ages came over and we started to chat. The typical stuff about the wife, kids, work etc. After he left I realized that it has been almost 17 years since I almost tore off my penis.

Right now you are probably sitting at your computers mouths agape, you may have even sprayed your monitor with coffee or an other beverage depending on the time of day you are reading this. But, I find everytime I come to think of that day, I laugh my ass off. The whole story is actually quite funny. Guess what? I am going to telling to you.

Did you feel the suspense? I just got back from dinner. I have been away for about 2 hours. I am in beautiful Lindsay, Ontario and if you follow my wife's tweets , I am going to be teaching a course in Transportation of Dangerous Goods tomorrow.

One thing about the restaurant I ate at, please teach your wait staff about serving wine. My guy filled my wine glass (I use that term loosely) to within 1mm of the rim of the glass. Even sober I wouldn't be able to swirl and sniff the wine I ordered. Also, in Lindsay, $12 buys you a litre of Australian Shiraz. Yikes, was I wreaked. I also noticed while tipsy, my hotel room has 2 of the exact same painting in my room. One over my couch and one over my bed.

Anyways, back to my penis.

About 18 years ago, I just separated from my first wife, and I was trying to balance my life with my son who was about 3 years old at the time. Since I was teaching Jiu-Jitsu at the YMCA, I had a few privileges. So I decided to take him to an open swim. We splashed around for about an hour, I am sure it was fun. Due to the upcoming events, I can't be sure.

So we finished our swim. We are back in the shower room. I have my son showered off and I am in the midst of showering myself. I washed my hair, pits etc. and decide to take off my swim trunks and wash the "parts". I reached into my Addidas shorts (that's what we wore back then) and grasped the tie string. I pulled it. Not a whimpy pull, but picture how you would pull the cord on an outboard motor. I saw the stars, I felt the pain. I dropped to my knees on the terazzo floor. My little guy had worked his way through the loop of the perfect shorts bow I had tied. OMG (back then it wasn't OMG, it was the full - "Oh My God"). As I lay there, writhing in pain, my son was screaming, "what do I do?" I couldn't think. All I could picture was the cutting of a block of clay with the "wire" from high school art class. I was afraid to look in my shorts.

My son saw the emergency phone, he picked up the receiver and on the other end I could hear who picked it up. You see it was sort of a speaker phone just incase CPR was required. Believe me it was close. I digress. It was Victor, the flaming homosexual (not that there is anything wrong with that.) Again OMG. My son told him what had happened. Victor said he would be right up to "untangle" my manhood. I screamed that it would be unnecessary and that as soon as I stopped crying I would be fine. He tried to insist, I think I threatened his life at that point.

After a while I gathered the courage to look into my shorts. There it was. The loop encircling my part was no wider than a centimetre in diameter. I gulped, "I hope it will still work", I thought to myself. I got both hands in there and backed off the loop and relieved the pressure on the little guy. I managed to stand and stagger, son in tow, to my locker to get dressed. As I left the YMCA that night, Victor offered artifical respiration. Yuck.

I got home and applied some ice hoping the swelling would go down. Next morning I took a look and found the little guy looking like the gourd I have pictured above. The bruising stayed for about 6 weeks. Literally, I was purple from my waist to my knees.

Happily, I can say it still works, because when I got remarried I was able to produce a beautiful baby girl. Who, is growing up quicker than I would have hoped. Your a goof Nathan!

WOW Stuff

You know, other than procrastinating on trying to get my archeology completed on one of my alts, I am really enjoying working on my professions. I am also afraid of actually queuing any of my alts as a healer. With all the articles I have read on WOW Insider regarding the changes in healing, I have not had the balls. Based on my story above, I almost didn't have the bat (LOL) to try.

Well I need to sober up. I hope my future headache isn't too intense when I am trying to teach tomorrow.

Have a good week all.

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