Cyclist Wannabes

This will be a short post today. I am at home suffering with what may be a tumor. However; I am sure it is just my back telling my head that it hates me. But then again, when I called into the office, there appears that several of us are suffering with the same basic symtoms. Anyway, I decided that I was going to make use of the time I have today and get a few reports completed that I have been avoiding the last couple weeks. I managed to get a 50% success rating.

It turns out that a big project I am working on is in jeopardy because I can't find a truck in order to deliver the product. It appears that at the end of the month it is difficult to find a truck rental. Of course, of all things, I forget the dreaded moving day rush at the vehicle rental store. Hopefully, things will work out.

Oh and my dad is messing around in the backyard today, my internet goes down, he calls on the phone to say he inadvertently disconnected it at the pole.

Chainsaw

Just before the stroke hit, he tells me that the tree cutting business neighbours are working in our backyard and disconnected it at the pole for a few minutes in order to cut one branch that they knew was going to cause a problem.

Ok, glad I am taking a blood thinner.

So, I decide I am going to step out a bit. My lovely wife left me a grocery list. From now on I think I am going to buy groceries before I pay bills. Its just easier that way. I ask her, "Where should I go?", and before all you readers scream at your screens, "Grocery store!" I wanted to know where I should go, considering the fact I spent all our money paying the bills and had a very limited amount for groceries.

I could go to:

• 2nd Mortgage Zehrs
• It was fresh a month ago Sobeys
• Ghetto Food Basics, or
  
• What do you mean I can't have a cart because I don't have a Quarter Freshco?

My wife told me to go to Freshco - however; I didn't know I needed a quarter until I got there (I don't carry cash anymore). I also went ill equipped to carry the groceries out of the store. They don't have bags, no boxes, so I had to buy a couple of the "green" grocery bags to get the items to the car.

I must admit that the amount I paid was about half what I was expecting. So at least that part of the trip was pleasant.

So, the article title, where does that fit into the days events? I am going to tell you.

I am driving home and my route takes me down a road that was converted to allow for a couple of bike lanes. So here is a couple of ladies, fully decked out in cyclist gear. Full spandex, enough advertising on their jerseys to make Tiger Woods wet himself (or was that the spandex). Riding down the road, totally not staying within their lane. They put the "lane" there so you can drive in it. They didn't put the line on the road so you can drive on the "line". Finally, they go to make a turn and neither of them know the arm signals for making a turn. Painful.

Apparently, spandex does NOT make the cyclist (maybe they were headed to Bingo and just being green about it). Oh god what am I saying. Riding a bike to Bingo, that's crazy talk.

That's it, going to chew a few more Advil's, pray for a break in the weather so my head doesn't hurt any more. If you read this before you head home, Hun, we are having chopped up weiners and fake potatoes for dinner (I picked you up something special as a substitute). Yummy!

The New Me - Update #2

It's Friday, five days into the "New Me" experience. I took the last couple days off in the exercise department. Basically I was too damn sore to move, I kept up the eating well though.

Speaking of eating well, have you seen the commercials regarding the potential to have 10lbs of fecal matter trapped in your body if you only "go" once a day. I said to myself, "Hmm". So on Monday I started to do a dose of Metamucil everyday. It said 3 times a day but I was not that daring. The original commercial that started me on this was for a product called "Colonblow", which really scared me. Anyway, have you tried Metamucil lately? They have tried to make it taste better. The stuff I tried had a wonderful cherry flavour with a delightful sandy after taste.

After four days I was still only "going" once a day. Until today. My body made a "huffing" sound (for those of you not up on your animal sounds, that is the sound a bull makes before it charges - very important to know for the purpose of this blog), then it was like San Fermin.

I flung my covers off, too bad our cats were on the bed, then our old dog was flopping around (I think it was all the pussy landing on him). I jumped up (glad that I took those two days off to recover), I ran around the bed hurdled the dog and raced down the hall headed to the bathroom. Let's just say the rest is a Finch moment. You know, the Colonblow guys were right.

Well it's off to exercise, maybe I will write a part #3 this afternoon.

The New Me - Update #1

I thought the pain usually hits a couple of days after you work out. At least that was what I remembered it being like when I was actually in shape. For me the pain hit within approximately 5 minutes. But Tuesday is a new day. I am going to do this.

I woke up to a cat bashing his head into my face. I think he was trying to determine if I was dead. I made a non-carb breakfast and started the procrastination. I decided to do my home business accounting, because lets face it. Accounting is way more fun than exercise.

I made it down into the basement and fired up the Xbox system. Logged in as me and was horrified to see that it didn't save my profile. Well, my profile was there but because I didn't continue with the torture Monday after I finished the setup, it didn't save the fact that I actually did the set up.

So I had to start over. Age, activity level, what are you trying to accomplish? (They didn't have the answer - Thwart death)

I had to do the 2 toning and 3 cardio tests AGAIN. Oh the burn. I was successful and I didn't collapse. But now to avoid having to set it up again. I was going to get a workout session in to secure the saving of my profile.

I chose, 'Nice and Easy' (they lied). It was 6 freaking sets of 3 exercises. I am not going to make it. But I was determined to push forward. It didn't help that everytime the damn cat walked into my "play" space the exercise lady would bitch at me and I would have to do a couple of 'reps' over again.

I DID it. It was the most difficult 15 minutes of my life. That's it - 15 minutes. I even decided to do the Zen cool down program which was an additional 6 minutes. Already I am having a performance increase.

I had lunch and I am now working on this update. Tomorrow is another day with more decisions...

1. Work out
   
   
2. Pick up dog poop in the backyard
   
   
3. Or both (might need a hospital bed if I choose this one)

I will leave you in suspense.

Really? Is it that bad?

First the good news. The family did a road trip to Michigan to see my best friend. We ate, drank, and laughed. We even started to plan our next visit. All the while in the back of my head I knew, that the week I had off was going to be the start of my "getting into shape". I had planned it for weeks. A couple of months ago I even bought the fitness "game" for the Xbox Kinect that we got at Christmas. You can only practise your "supa-man" so many times. Although for me it usually came across as the "aquaman". You would have to be part Sheldon to figure those couple lines out.

You know who you are.

So what happened? I was a practising martial artist, I ran several classes a week. I wilderness camped - for our honeymoon instead of going to Maui or similar, we went wilderness camping off of Lake Temagami. Only a 5 1/2 hour drive followed by an eight hour canoe and portage session. But it was worth it. Running around in my pastey white naked glory (between noon and 12:05) before the mosquitoes realized I was there.

Life happened, the dark life, having kids and saying we were too busy to exercise. The dreaded CF's (chicken finger) and plum sauce. Did you know in Michigan they are called boneless wings since chickens don't have fingers. Or so we were told.

I digress.

This morning was going to be the start of the new me. The missus went to work, I took my daughter to the orthodontist then to school and I arrived home and donned my silk short shorts, tank top and Jimmy Connors matching head and wrist band set. I should have known when the Kinect scanned me and the computer chick gasped, "oh shit" that something was about to go awry.

After the scan, was the series of questions, ok well three. Age, weight and how active. Again, clues were there. Exercise every day, exercise once or twice a week or never. This was going to hurt. I knew, "no pain, no gain", right.

Then the choice - do you want a male or female exercise assistant? I chose a female so she could "bitch" at me to keep me motivated.

The evaluation program started, a series of exercises to assist in creating the plan. It was 2 toning exercises and 3 cardio exercises. I thought I was going to die. I literally had to concentrate on not throwing up. Once that was finished there were the questions. Do you want the program tailored to help you loose weight? To tone up? To help you climb a flight of stairs without becoming winded? I chose the last one. Then I collapsed on the sofa. My computer trainer chick repeating the line, "Where are you going? Where are you going?" over and over.

I gave up for now, I decided to do some laundry. Have some cereal and decide on whether I should change my game name from "AwesomeSauce" to "HolyShitIAmOutOfShape". On the bright side the machine told me I lost 87 calories. Which I probably did while trying to control the urge to throw up that I mentioned earlier. All those stomach crunches. Easily the equivalent of about 600 sit ups.

I will try my first program exercise later today. when there is someone in the house to call 911. I don't have the "fallen and I can't get up service".

WOW Stuff

I keeping with my attempt to get fit, I decided to do the following:

• run everywhere, no flying or riding mounts
• do a lot of swimming off the coast of Tanaris, the water looks clean there, and with it being sunny all the time I can work on my tan
• Only pickup fast food in Silvermoon, no one is fat there. So they must be selling all whole foods with minimal processing

I will check in with you during the week and provide updates.

If you feel the Richard Simmons photo is a little too creepy let me know and I can change it.

The Ottawa Trip

Well I am off to Ottawa this week for work where I will be teaching some courses for a couple of our customers. It's the first night but I noticed a few things on my drive up today, which was about 5 1/2 hours by the way.

Day 1

There were three things that make you go, "Hmmm"

First: Did you notice that the closer you get to Ottawa, the cheaper gasoline gets?

Second: I drove up on Highway 7, why is it that people have some beautiful properties, but feel it necessary to make them look like a scrapyard?

Third: Finally, the construction between Carleton Place and Highway 417 isn't done yet. It is going on at least 3 years. I find it highly amusing that their make work program is still underway.

I will check in over the next couple days to let you know how things are going.

Day 2

Completed the confined space rescue training. I was spent. Nothing too exciting happened that evening. I ate some meatloaf, was pretty good.

Day 3

Breakfast was good although I was getting creeped out by the plastic cocks (err chickens) watching me. Glad the boss saved the day.

Went on a H&S walk about. Was humoured when the guy I was watching realized half way thru the pouring of an ethyl ether bottle (with no PPE or ventilation) that maybe he should be using PPE and ventilation.

From there I had to take a 1.5 hour drive one way to service a customer (not the fun servicing either). Realized that I would be passing the Calabogie Nudist Colony (has something to do with an uncle-in-law).

Well I decided to stop in to get a pamphlet. They told me I couldn't stay because I "didn't measure up." What were they trying to say?

I am now printing out training packages for a class that was sprung on me at the last minute - hate you Matt. 10:30 and I only have 8 more to go, started at about 6:30pm - UGH. 11:00pm - out of ink driving back to the hotel. Four training packages short.

Day 4

Teaching a Transportation of Dangerous Goods course today. The location is about an hour or so from my hotel. I noticed driving up this morning that satellite radio is not what it is supposed to be cracked up to be. I have been in this vehicle for almost a week and they appear to play the same five songs over and over again.

Had dinner with Matt and one of our customers. Was fun, watched Toronto Maple Leafs get obliterated again.

Day 5

Last day of training, rather close to the hotel. I am teaching a Basic Spill Response course. It was a good group and I am very pleased with the outcome. I am now back at the hotel completing my invoicing and answering emails. Pretty soon I have to decide where I want to eat for dinner.

I am thinking about "Mucho Burrito", but then I think about my 6 hour car ride tomorrow. Without a colostomy bag, I can see a world of problems. I think this may be a game time decision.

Something caught my eye. In my hotel room I have the coffee station. Maybe I will make a pot, I read the fine print of my room agreement and the coffee station is free (unlike the bottle of water that is calling to me, I made the mistake a while back and had to pay $7.00 for the $0.99 bottle of water).

What exactly is "coffee colourant" made of? That is what the whitener called. OK I searched the Internet. Putting "coffee colorant" in the search line, I retrieve may references to coffee colored hair colorant, lip stick color (brown lip stick, that puckered only looks like one thing) and how to colour homemade soaps. Nothing on coffee colourant for you know, colouring coffee. Lost interest, can't be bothered searching coffee whitener.

Day 6

Friday morning. Finally, 6 hours from home and the start of my vacation. I will be heading out soon. I just finished my disks of sugar (at the hotel they call them - waffles) and I am about to check out. I am tightening my running shoes in anticipation of a company credit card NOT working. I hope I can get to the truck before the counter person can react.

WOW Stuff

Been away, the hotel Interent doesn't have the horse power to play Farmville let alone WOW. I will report on WOW next week sometime.

Here it is - done. To use a famous quote from Bilbo Baggins - "I will be leaving now, goodbye." As mentioned, I am beginning my vacation this afternoon. Yes, I will be writing about my "Tony Packos Odessey avec Family". Only in Ottawa a week and I am fluent in French - notice the "avec" which means "with". I am so bilingual now.

Is That a Gourd in Your Pocket...

Is that a gourd in your pocket, or you just happy to see me?

I was at church on Sunday, we were having a pot-luck lunch. I brought my "Mexican Spaghetti", and maybe if you are good I will share the recipe, when someone I have not seen in ages came over and we started to chat. The typical stuff about the wife, kids, work etc. After he left I realized that it has been almost 17 years since I almost tore off my penis.

Right now you are probably sitting at your computers mouths agape, you may have even sprayed your monitor with coffee or an other beverage depending on the time of day you are reading this. But, I find everytime I come to think of that day, I laugh my ass off. The whole story is actually quite funny. Guess what? I am going to telling to you.

Did you feel the suspense? I just got back from dinner. I have been away for about 2 hours. I am in beautiful Lindsay, Ontario and if you follow my wife's tweets , I am going to be teaching a course in Transportation of Dangerous Goods tomorrow.

One thing about the restaurant I ate at, please teach your wait staff about serving wine. My guy filled my wine glass (I use that term loosely) to within 1mm of the rim of the glass. Even sober I wouldn't be able to swirl and sniff the wine I ordered. Also, in Lindsay, $12 buys you a litre of Australian Shiraz. Yikes, was I wreaked. I also noticed while tipsy, my hotel room has 2 of the exact same painting in my room. One over my couch and one over my bed.

Anyways, back to my penis.

About 18 years ago, I just separated from my first wife, and I was trying to balance my life with my son who was about 3 years old at the time. Since I was teaching Jiu-Jitsu at the YMCA, I had a few privileges. So I decided to take him to an open swim. We splashed around for about an hour, I am sure it was fun. Due to the upcoming events, I can't be sure.

So we finished our swim. We are back in the shower room. I have my son showered off and I am in the midst of showering myself. I washed my hair, pits etc. and decide to take off my swim trunks and wash the "parts". I reached into my Addidas shorts (that's what we wore back then) and grasped the tie string. I pulled it. Not a whimpy pull, but picture how you would pull the cord on an outboard motor. I saw the stars, I felt the pain. I dropped to my knees on the terazzo floor. My little guy had worked his way through the loop of the perfect shorts bow I had tied. OMG (back then it wasn't OMG, it was the full - "Oh My God"). As I lay there, writhing in pain, my son was screaming, "what do I do?" I couldn't think. All I could picture was the cutting of a block of clay with the "wire" from high school art class. I was afraid to look in my shorts.

My son saw the emergency phone, he picked up the receiver and on the other end I could hear who picked it up. You see it was sort of a speaker phone just incase CPR was required. Believe me it was close. I digress. It was Victor, the flaming homosexual (not that there is anything wrong with that.) Again OMG. My son told him what had happened. Victor said he would be right up to "untangle" my manhood. I screamed that it would be unnecessary and that as soon as I stopped crying I would be fine. He tried to insist, I think I threatened his life at that point.

After a while I gathered the courage to look into my shorts. There it was. The loop encircling my part was no wider than a centimetre in diameter. I gulped, "I hope it will still work", I thought to myself. I got both hands in there and backed off the loop and relieved the pressure on the little guy. I managed to stand and stagger, son in tow, to my locker to get dressed. As I left the YMCA that night, Victor offered artifical respiration. Yuck.

I got home and applied some ice hoping the swelling would go down. Next morning I took a look and found the little guy looking like the gourd I have pictured above. The bruising stayed for about 6 weeks. Literally, I was purple from my waist to my knees.

Happily, I can say it still works, because when I got remarried I was able to produce a beautiful baby girl. Who, is growing up quicker than I would have hoped. Your a goof Nathan!

WOW Stuff

You know, other than procrastinating on trying to get my archeology completed on one of my alts, I am really enjoying working on my professions. I am also afraid of actually queuing any of my alts as a healer. With all the articles I have read on WOW Insider regarding the changes in healing, I have not had the balls. Based on my story above, I almost didn't have the bat (LOL) to try.

Well I need to sober up. I hope my future headache isn't too intense when I am trying to teach tomorrow.

Have a good week all.

Virgin No More

I am no longer a virgin, that would be a Bed & Breakfast virgin. That's right, I did it. I stayed at a bed & breakfast Monday night while in Stratford. It was an experience and I still haven't decided if I liked it. It was called the Stone Maiden Inn, I don't think it was named after the lady that owned it. She was kind of nice. The place was sort of creepy with my room on the third floor. It sort of smelled like an old lady. What was weird about my stay was that you needed to take a tour. She showed you the parlour (they have parlours in these places and not family rooms). It had a TV, and a Mac (to check my email). I passed on the Mac, don't understand why they would make a computer that only has a one button mouse. Christ my mouse on my PC has 5 buttons and I don't think its enough. I will get back to my stay at the B&B in a bit, I want to take you around town.

Apparently, they put the town away around 6:00pm. Pretty much everything was closed. My host got me a reservation at a restaurant named - Foster's Inn. I had a wonderful steak dinner with a hearty shiraz.

Back at the B&B, my host suggested that I watch TV in the parlour, but I didn't feel comfortable with that, so I stayed in my room and watched a movie on my computer. I was also a little concerned when I went to the bathroom and looked up and a crow was staring at me through the skylight.

What a horrible sleep, I think it was because my bed was not aligned properly to protect me from mauraders. But the breakfast made up for it. My host made absolutely spectacular pancakes. Blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, chocolate dipped strawberries, grapes and pineapple slices. I also had orange juice and coffee. My host had a newspaper and a couple of bottles of water to go. Very nice.

I guess I had a nice stay.